So long 2020 … You will not be missed!
I thought I would publish a reflective blog post about how the previous year had gone, just hours away from the New Year. But I decided that looking back should be just that; looking back. And, therefore, it would be more fitting if I published my blog post on the first day of the new year.
Losses
Did I enjoy some parts of 2020? Absolutely! I would be lying if I stated otherwise, but somehow I just felt the symptoms I experienced during my pregnancy were major indicators for how I would feel for the remainder of 2020.
I spent a good part of 2020 crying. Crying because I just couldn’t seem to understand why my body was acting up and wouldn’t allow me to accomplish even the simplest of tasks. Crying because I missed my family. Crying because I felt alone, tired, and miserable in my pregnancy. Crying because of all the family members I lost. Crying because of all the things I wished to say, but never did. Crying because the world was beginning to seem as foreign to me as my own body.
Becoming a mother
While I look back on 2020 with both pain and regret about losing family with whom I never got to settle my indifferences, and who went away probably still angry, I am still so immeasurably grateful that I was lucky enough to not only survive my pregnancy (due to all the complications I experienced for the majority of it, and the statistics of black women dying either during pregnancy or during deliver y — Google it), but that I was blessed to become my little angel’s mother.
Calling my daughter an angel is a complete understatement. She’s just so much more. And even on the darkest of days, I’m still able to look at her and smile. She’s provided me with so much strength, inspiration, and laughter, it’s hard for me to put it into words. But perhaps what comes closest to describing how much she means to me is, if I was ever missing a piece of my puzzle, I am, with confidence, able to say that she was that missing piece.
Motherhood has been challenging, of course, but also extremely rewarding. Besides, I am loving the new body that I was “gifted with” after giving birth 🤭.
Growth
If anything, I felt myself grow a lot over the remaining months of 2020. I began seeing myself in a new light, and felt things like hurtful words ricochet off my shoulders because I had been through one of the hardest things a woman can ever experience in this life; bringing forth another human. Before this, I had countless times doubted my ability to be a good mother, or my ability to bounce back from such a difficult pregnancy.
2021 may not be such a long way away from 2020 yet, but it’s certainly offering new and fresh beginnings. A quote that has stuck with me from last year is, “Tomorrow doesn’t start tomorrow. Tomorrow starts today.”
The things I have brought with me into 2021 are, not leaving things unsaid, not remaining in toxic environments when it’s clear I should leave, taking people’s opinions about me, or how I should raise my daughter, with a grain of salt, not dwelling on hurtful words, not feeling forced to sacrifice my own happiness to make others happy.
I know I will never be perfect but, despite the fact, I embrace all of myself, — flaws and everything — and push myself to become a better version of myself each day. That’s really all I can do this year and every year.
Here’s to further growth in 2021🥂
