Being a new mom — in all honesty? Well …

As a new mother, I can't think of anything more satisfying than watching my child sleep. And I do this religiously each morning. I can spend up to an hour in a day just watching her sleep. She's the most precious jewel I have, and each day she reminds me that, even though I am imperfect, I am making progress.

Each day also reminds me that I now bear a much bigger responsibility, one that sometimes has me sitting up with bloodshot, sunken eyes, just praying that my little one goes to sleep so I can spend at least a little time to myself.

Now, down to the nitty-gritty. How was my first month as a new mom? Quite frankly? It was terrib…ly exhausting! I was so unprepared for clumsiness, forgetfulness, and sleeplessness caused by cluster feeding, becoming ingrained in my daily routine.

Sleeplessness

While sleep isn’t something a new mother can completely kiss goodbye, thankfully — depending on the support network one is surrounded by, and how many times your baby feeds, among many other things — it is something that will drastically decline once you take home your newborn.

When I was pregnant and carrying the weight of my little one, while silently counting down to her birth, I spent a lot of my time wandering around the house at night-time. During those days, I would get struck by sudden hunger pangs that were too painful to ignore. And sometimes my husband would sit up with me while I carried out my usual routine of “midnight snacking”. I was just so hungry. All. The. Time!

The heat at the time wasn’t very helpful either, and neither was the dysgeusia I was suffering from, which made me eat even more because I was so eager to get rid of the horrible metallic taste in my mouth (… that never did disappear, anyway).

I slept deeply in the afternoons, and only ever got up to cook dinner, or to shower. It was at night I came alive! Hence the “midnight snacking” habit, and the nickname I adopted, “Vampire”. Little did I know that my daughter would take on the exact same sleeping pattern I had during pregnancy in her first month on earth.

She slept peacefully in the mornings and afternoons, to the extent that visitors would comment that she was “such a quiet baby”. Hah! Of course, they had no idea what awaited me each night.

There were days when she was practically glued to my breasts, which made me feel like my only purpose in life was to breastfeed. Eventually, in order to do anything, I had to learn to balance her on one arm and attach her to my breast, while I used the other to perform daily tasks. And sometimes I would nod off to sleep while feeding her.

That sinking feeling that can't be explained …

I have to admit that breastfeeding was not at all an enjoyable experience for me at the very beginning. I used to dread each feeding session, as they meant that I would have to endure depressing thoughts and feelings of sadness as I fed my daughter. It got to a point where I began thinking that perhaps breastfeeding just wasn't for me.

After week three, I was so relieved to be trying a breast pump that I could barely hide my excitement.

The breast pump was a lifesaver! It allowed me to enjoy a little more time to myself since I could hand a bottle with freshly pumped milk to anyone of my family members so they could help me feed my daughter every now and again, while I tried to get some much-needed sleep.

Now that my daughter is close to 2 months old, I no longer use the breast pump regularly, and the sinking feeling I used to have while breastfeeding is all but declining. She also no longer feeds as often as she used to (every 1–2 hours, imagine the madness!!), which of course means more sleep and alone time for me.

Clumsiness and forgetfulness

Running over strangers’ feet with my baby’s stroller while rushing to hospital appointments and having to shamefully apologise, walking away from groceries at the store, forgetting about important appointments at the doctor’s, or forgetting used diapers on the floor after changing my little one, are only some of the many things that I’ve done as a new mom. Luckily, I haven’t forgotten my little one on the changing table while I go about my business. The very thought of the possibility is scary!

I find that I am even more clumsy and forgetful now than I was during pregnancy, and I remember reading that “pregnancy brain” symptoms can last all the way up to two years after giving birth!

There are currently so many reminders set up for me that I can’t even count them. And sometimes they end up being drowned out by all the other things that go on around me.

Down time

Time to myself is no longer the same, of course, but I do get to sit by myself for a few hours during each day and focus on just me, whether that be to catch up on some sleep, reading, writing, or watching drama series.

I've noticed that where I didn't have the time to really focus on the way that I dressed during my first few weeks as a new mom, I now have more time to focus on my enyire appearance. And since I am feeling much better these days, it is heavily reflected in the way that I look.

Teaching me patience

I love being a new mom, and I haven't found myself getting annoyed by my baby's crying or need for my affection. If anything, I have learned so much patience just from being a mom.

In the past I would get frustrated if things never went my way, or if I experienced difficulty getting things done to a T. But, as I find myself having to “wing it” during certain situations since my daughter is fairly unpredictable, I have noticed that I am becoming more patient with each passing day.

When a family member has her so I can rest, I can't wait to have her back with me, and watching her sleep will never get old. Well, perhaps it will, as I don't want to be the creepy mom who stands in the doorway staring at her 'twenty-something-year-old' while they sleep.

My daughter is such a breath of fresh air, and she makes me feel so loved, wanted, and, funny enough, even protected. The faces she makes while pooping, her cooing, or her wonderful smiles, fill me with endless joy and laughter. And being privileged enough to be her mother is something I will always be very grateful for.